Abusive relationships are much more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that up to one in four women will at some point experience some form of domestic violence. And while physical and sexual assault are obviously viewed as unacceptable by society, oftentimes people fall prey to verbal or even emotional abuse. The latter may be one of the hardest to pick out, as it is often not even acknowledged by the victims themselves. Its effects, however, can be every bit as damaging as physical wounds. Abuse affects people of all races, every religious and socio-economic status, and can happen to men, women, children, or the elderly.
Often, perpetraters of abuse are very charismatic with their words and tactics, manipulating conversations and circumstances so as to leave "no tracks", as it were. Physical abusers may learn to concentrate their blows in places that are likely to be covered by clothing, and therefore will not be visible to outsiders. Verbal and emotional abusers may occasionally lash out overtly, but the most skilled of them will say or do things in such a way that the victim cannot put a finger on exactly why he or she feels so violated. Blackmail or other types of threats may also be used to keep victims in their place and without a voice. Abusers will chip away at the self esteem, self respect, and even the very sanity of their victims over the course of time, causing them to feel guilt, blame, chaos, or incompetency in all matters of life. Oftentimes, the abuser himself (or herself) deals with issues of insecurity, and uses the abuse as a means of obtaining control and a sense of importance. Eventually for the victim though, all that may be left of a formerly bright and confident person, may be a fearful, crumpled up, empty shell.
There are little red flags of abuse that we may note in others' lives, but effectively brush off. Perhaps we see them as inconsequential, or we may simply not wish to embarrass or meddle. Many of us tend to want to believe the best, and don't necessarily go out looking for problems in other peoples' domestic situations. We also tend to believe that if there really were an issue, surely a person would speak up, or seek help. Victims, however, may often be in denial of the fact that they are truly in an abusive relationship, excusing the negative behaviors in any number of ways. Of course, most abusers are experts at guiding their victims into this rationalization and denial process. Even when the unhealthy relationship is evident to them, victims may struggle with feeling completely alone, trapped, ashamed, or like it's their own fault.
The most dangerous time in a victim's life can be when he or she decides to leave. This is when they need the most help, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even financially. When possible, it is best that they involve a strong support system ahead of time to carefully and confidentially plan out the steps, so as not to arouse a greater wrath in the abuser. When an abuser feels threatened with losing control or being exposed, he or she can become quite volatile. This could have dire consequences. Even where no physical abuse had been previously present, it could possibly escalate to that level at this point.
If you believe that you may be in an abusive relationship, it is imperative that you begin to recognize the signs. A good test would be to read the "Red Flags of an Abuser" list below. It is certainly not an exhaustive list, but the presence of several or more of these traits could signal a very unhealthy relationship, and should be cause for alarm. If something happens once, it may be nothing more than a simple human failing (note: physical and sexual trauma should never be tolerated). When it becomes a pattern though, it is time to take note, evaluate, and get help. Don't fall prey to the trap of explaining the behavior away, blaming yourself, or believing that somehow your case is an exception (due to religious beliefs, family or economic circumstances, or just the abuser's agility with words).
Seek counsel from a safe and confidential source. If a friend doesn't believe you, find someone else to talk to. Excellent places to turn are a pastor, counselor, abuse hotline, or even your doctor. No one deserves to be treated in this way, and you do neither yourself, nor the perpetrator any favors by remaining silent.
Red Flags of an Abuser
-Jealous/Possessive of You and Your Time
-Criticizes, Demeans, or Humiliates You Constantly
-Discourages Relationships with Your Family or Friends
-Blames You For His/Her Behavior, Circumstances, or Results
-Withholds Necessities (ie: car, clothing, haircuts, medical care)
-Loses Temper Easily, Volatile
-Can be Very Convincing and Charismatic (especially with others)
-You Feel Like You Must "Walk on Pins and Needles" Around Him/Her
-Acccuses You of Flirting or Having Affairs
-Overly Controlling of What You Do, Eat, or Wear
-Stalks You, Constantly Checks Up on You
-Reads Your Email, Checks Your Phone
-Acts Like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
-Is Always Right, Always Has the Last Word
-Denies Wrongdoing, Does Not Want to Seek Help
-Gives the "Silent Treatment", or Has Fits of Rage
-Speaks for You (ie: orders for you at a restaurant)
-Has History of Broken Relationships (romantic, family, church, coworkers, etc.)
-Manipulates and Twists Words or Actions
-Abuses Alcohol or Drugs
-Threatens You, Children, Pets, or Others
-You are Afraid of Him/Her
-Pushes, Shoves, Hits, Bites, or Acts Out Physically (against you, others, or objects)
